Emergency Wine Testing
by Lizmun
Summary: I found a disk of some OOOOLD Fics, mostly of Voltron! Scarry! But figuring I have nothing better to do, I've decided to start posting some of my stuff here. This is the first of my post. What if.... Lotor ran out of Wine?


Hi peoples!  
yeah.. I know I haven't responded in a long time. Some people even thought I was dead. Heck, *I* even thought I was dead! Apparently not...  
  
Well.. anyway.. I'd still like to know what you'all think. Any suggestions on what I should do with the site?  
  
Someday I'll return to it, definitly not today, chances are slim tomorrow, but someday.  
  
An now, to show that I haven't given up on Voltron, I send you all a short spoof. Enjoy.  
  
This spoof was inspired while watching 'Project A-KO'. I've wondered... what would happen.. if LOTOR ran out of wine/dreamberryjuice/smurfberryjuice/whatever. So, here I present to you:  
  
Emergency Wine Testing.  
By LizMUN  
rated: y-13 (Cause It deals with alcoholism, and mild cursing. Very mild.)  
C&C Wanted and appreciated! Heck I don't mind the flames! That's why I wrote this thing for! :)  
Characters don't belong to me.. All that does.. is a Compleate Voltron action figure.. but I digress. This story is for entertainment purposes only, and no profit has been made. (Im's what you call, a Starving writter) This story is set Pre-V3-D (I refuse to acknowledge the new series! Lotor doesn't deserve what they did to him! But that doesn't mean you still can't substitute in Tim-Cury's voice ^_^)  
  
Series that will be making cameos in this fic are as but are not limited to:  
Slayers  
Ranma 1/2  
Sailor Moon  
All Purpose Cutltural Cat-Girl Nuku-Nuku  
oh...and a bit of Voltron O_~   
  
Okay... Quick Japanese Vocab review:  
Nani= What  
Ano= Um  
Manga= Japanese Comic Book.  
Usagi= aka Serena from Sailor Moon  
  
Maybe I should start running to avoid the lynch mob! ::jogs:: Enjoy!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lotor sat on his throne, grumbling. Again he had failed against the Voltron Force. Again he was going to be chewed out by his Father. (Should one chew a Fish, instead of having a fish chew you?) Again he had failed to posses Allura as his own. So technically, the day was just the same old.. same old.  
  
Pathetic!   
  
*Sighs* All this grumbling with self-pitty had made him thirsty. He raises his goblet, and waits for his servant to finish filling it up. He waited.... And waited.... And waited.... His arm was getting tired.... And waited.... Hmm... This is odd. Other than the fact that his arm was getting extreamly tired, he would think that the cup would be heavy by now.  
  
"Excuuuuuuse me! As much as I like to show off my manly biceps, I do have my cup out for a reason!" He bellowed. He still held his arm up, holding the empty goblet for all to see. Meanwhile the guards were playing "Paper-Rock-Scissors" to see who would be the unfortunate soul that was going to tell the news.  
  
*whispering* "Hah! Paper beats Rock! You loose! Can I have your Madonna Album?"  
  
"Oh Shut up!" The fated guard quietly tiptoes toward the throne. Ready to flee with any sudden movement. Lotor still sat there, holding his arm up. In fact, he was now using his other arm, to hold up the first one.  
  
"*squeeks* Sire?"  
  
Lotor ignored the pety slave. Soon, he began to alternate which arm to carry up his goblet.  
  
"*Ahem* .. uh.. sir?" The guard repeated himself. Again, Lotor ignored him.   
  
Lotor didn't know what to make of the situaiton. Always, whenever he raised his goblet, it would be filled. In fact, it happened so often, he took it as a part of life. This sudden change of events.. was.... well... different!  
  
"Uh.. sir.. funny thing, you know! hehe.. You'll laugh! Well you see.. hehe.. *mumbles* wherenoutawhy."  
  
Lotor looks at the guard and blinks. He leans toward him, his cat-like eyes were like razors, slicing at his soul.   
  
"Come again?"  
  
The guard looks around, the room was deserted, save for him and Lotor.   
  
"We...hehe... weeee… ran out of wine. You.. um.. ah.. drank the last of it last night... Um.. you know.. durring our Voltron-bashing bash? Okaybye!" With that, the guard zooms out of the room, leaving a trail of smoke and fire in his wake.   
  
Lotor sits there, imobilized from shock. The goblet, still being held up, felt useless in his hands, so it was dropped. The Prince of Doom then scrambles up from his throne and runs to his chaimbers, looking into his drawers, closet, and under the bed. AHAH! a bottle of wine! He's saved! He pops out the cork and sticks the opening into his mouth. Funny.. he should be tasting something by now. He pulls out the bottle, and begins to examine it. Perhaps something inside was blocking the nozzel? He holds the bottle over his eye, causing a single drop to splash against his eye. No.. nothing was blocking the liquid from comming out. It was empty. EMPTY!   
  
"HAAAAAGGAAARR!!!"  
  
"OY! Not so loud, sire!" Haggar stumbles in, clenching her head with both of her hands. That's the last time she would ever play an anime-drinking game with the guys. "Drink a shot every time Nuku-Nuku smiles... OY!"  
  
Lotor was already in his 3rd stage of soberness.. Panic.  
  
"Haggar! I need a drink! Reality looks so... so.. DULL! Wahahaha!"  
  
Haggar raises a brow, then begins to rummage within her sleeves.   
  
"Let's see what I have." Haggar then began to pull out the queerest objects. Objects such as hankerchiefs, nuclear reactors, a duck-shaped training potty, a Star-Wars manga, yo-yo's, Salt and Vinager potato chips, Coba.. until finally, she pulls out a maroon flask.   
  
Tears sprang from Lotor's eyes and a fuzzy-"roses-of -Lyra" background is played as he is overwhelmed with joy. He took the flask out of Haggar's bony fingers, and pulled out the cork. He lowers the neck of the bottle into his mouth, allowing the crimson liquid to enter his mouth..... then spits out the contents.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Lotor choked out, trying to get the gawd-awful flavor of lint from his mouth.  
  
"I think it's my Estrogen elixor." Haggar replied with a smirk.  
  
Lotor shuddered. He plopped down upon his throne, then proceeded to enter his next stage of soberness: Depression.  
  
"The world is a dark and lo..."  
  
"Sire!" A guard's image popped up into the screen, probably thinking it was safer than actually being in the same room as a Sober Lotor. "We're recieving a transmition from Doom. Shall I play it for you."  
  
Lotor, being now totally out of character, shruged. "Hmph."  
  
"Lotor my boy! I hear you've failed against the Voltron force... Again! What am I training you for?" Zarkon's wide head bellowed on the wide screen.  
  
"Stuff it.."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I'm in no mood, old man!"  
  
"Damn!" Zarkon then raised his fist to the ceiling. "Again with the Ranma? Haven't you had enough with your last story?!"  
  
Some of the guards within the throne room shook their heads. Their king was again talking to the "Mystical-magical spit-wad" as if it were a MUN god or something. They sighed collectivly. Zarkon only grumbled, then turned his attention back to his mutated son. (Mutated in the sense that he didn't look anything like his dear ol' pop!)  
  
"Lotor, what is it now?"  
  
Haggar, trying to get more screen-time within this fanfic answered for the meloncholy prince.  
  
"Withdrawl symptoms."  
  
Zarkon then sighed.  
  
"Lotor, you're obsessed with anything and everything that comes across your path! Blonde women, red-wine, AOL chat rooms.. is there no end to your obsession?"  
  
"Might I remind you *FATHER* that the chat rooms where your idea?"  
  
Zarkon smirks in response, then leans back on his omimous velvet throne.   
  
"And what an idea that was! Soon those petty beings will be as flabby as me, and soon I shall rule the galaxy."  
  
"... If you can get off your ass.." Lotor mumbled.  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT?"  
  
"I said 'Then we'll kick their Ass'!" Lotor amemnded.  
  
"Riiiight. Lotor, I'm giving you one more chance to redeem yourself!"  
  
"But sire.. he's sober!" Haggar spoke out.  
  
"Good! Then he won't be stinking drunk and botch up the battle plans."  
  
Haggar blinked. "Never thought of it that way.."  
  
Lotor just pouted, still too thirsty to protest, so he just grumbled. The fleet made an illegal "U-turn" and headed back to Planet Arus.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, in a fuzzy, pink, bunny-infested planet known as Arus, the Voltron Force where returning from their battle of the day.  
  
"Well, that's over.. now what?" Lance asked, as he plopped himself on the couch.  
  
"Ano..." Pidge replied intellegently. Well, okay.. unintellegently.  
  
Keith was a bit disapointed. He only got to shoot down seven out of the sixteen battleship cruisers, he thought he was loosing his touch.  
  
"There's no time for rest, guys. Lotor's bound to attack again, and when he does we'll be ready for him!" He completed, striking a dramatic pose. Hearing nothing, he looks around the recreation room.   
  
Hunk was reading a manga. Pidge was chatting on AOL, Lance was cleaning out his ears, and Allura was looking for split ends within her hair. Keith sighed at this, and plopped down at the couch next to Hunk, and began to read over the big guy's shoulder.  
  
***  
  
"Twice in one day? Have we ever done that before?" Haggar pondered.  
  
"Who cares! I just want to go home! o/` Red, Red Wiiiiine.. hmmm-hmm-hmm...o/` Damn! Okay o/` Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of....o/` D'OH!" Lotor fumed. He had been trying to get his mind off alcohol, but it was in vain. Everything he did reminded him of the sweet, fermented berry-juice. "Are we there yet?"  
  
One of the guards, mind you.. not the fated one... he's cowering on the other side of the ship, turned around to face his prince. "Yes sir.. Arus is now on visual."  
  
"Good. I'm on a hurry, so we'll bypass my normal pre-victory gloat, and just send the robeast now. What can I say.. I'm feeling.. spontanious."  
  
Haggar smirked.  
  
"Get away from me you ol' Hag!" Lotor shuddered.  
  
***  
  
Keith just couldn't understand it. What he was seeing before him, totally mind-boggled him.   
  
"U... Usagi's Sailor Moon? I don't belive it! Hah! Never would've guessed."  
  
Hunk just rolled his eyes at his commander, and re-commensed flipping through the manga. Suddenly the alarms blared out in tune to "It's a small world." This has actually increased the rate of response within the Voltron members, seeing how they want to shut the damn thing as fast as they can.  
  
"Lotor.. Attacking.. Twice in one day?" Pidge blinked at the data comming out of the outdated computer system.  
  
"INCONCIVABLE!"  
  
"Princess, I do believe you've been watching 'The Prince's Bride' a bit too much." Koran scolded.  
  
"Alright Gang! To our Lions!" Keith declared, sprinting like Hero in action into the pods, and the scene was then taken over by stock footage.. The rest of the force shruged and took the elevator, letting the stock footage do all the work.  
  
***  
  
The robeast was thrashing villages, and medows, crushing bunnies galore. It's ominous voice rang throught the land, striking fear into the hearts of those who dared to listen.  
  
"o/` I'm a little Robeast, Short and Stout. Here is my weapon, here is my snout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout! I'll turn Voltron Inside-out! o/`"  
  
Keith COM Hold it right there Robeast!  
  
The robeast looked at the flying lions that hovered feet within his person. He shook his head, and addressed them.  
  
"I prefer to be called a "Scientific Production Obtaining to Robotic Kind".. or SPORK!"  
  
Lance blinked. "Ooo-key."   
  
"Well, the only digging this SPORK will do, is it's grave! TIME TO FORM VOLTRON!"  
  
The gang were groaning at the lame pun, and were contemplating as to how to knock their leader senseless. Again, the stock-footage came onto view . This gave the Voltron Force ample time to have some tea away from the TV stage-set.  
  
"I swear, if Keith does one more bad pun..." Lance fumed, sipping a bit of some green tea.  
  
"Cookies?" Offered Hunk.  
  
"No thanks. Uhp! Time's almost up. Come'on guys. " Lance placed down his cup, as with Pidge, Hunk and Allura. "Oh, and don't forget our fearless-leader over there!"  
  
The said "Fearless Leader" was sprawled out on the floor, unconsious, exterting various goose-egg sized lumps from his head. Swirly circles in place of eyes were plastered onto his face. Hunk sighed in resignation, lifted the body of his commander, and carried him, fireman-style to the Black lion.  
  
When each were back in their respective lions, they were confused by the lack of action.  
  
"Oh what.. is it over?" Lance blinked at the view. Apparently, the fight itself was stock-footage, and the robeast..er.. Spork had long been defeated. But since almost everything within the show was "stock-footage," the viewers out there payed no heed to situation.  
  
***  
  
Lotor pouted.   
  
"Oh Bullwinkle! And I thought I had them that time! Damn that Stock-footage! Guard! Set up communication with Allura!"  
  
The guard nodded. The screen popped up, showing Allura reading an ancient scroll, perhaps with clues to advance the power of the Lions.  
  
Allura ".... he leaned down, looking into the very depths of her redish-brown eyes. Peircing into her very soul. He sweeps her firery red-hair away from her face, wishing to see the beauty behind the crimson tendrils. As his thumb traced the edge of her chin, she could feel his warm breath upon her, exciting every miniscle in her. She had anticipated this moment. Oh Gourry-saAAAK! LOTOR?!"  
  
"Allura my fair-haired goddess! Allow me to wisk they away and into my arms."  
  
Allura blinked, then smiled. The opportunity had once again been brought up to her, and now she would be able tell Lotor how she really felt.  
  
"Well, my sweet? What do you say?"  
  
Allura looks up, her cerulean eyes shining with tears.   
  
Allura "Hello. My name is Allura of Lyons. You killed my father.. Prepare to Die!"  
  
Meanwhile, Koran was banging his head against the control board. It was just too pathetic!  
  
Lotor just gulped.  
  
***  
  
Haggar merrily made her way down the halls of Castle Doom. She was feeling overly perky, perhaps overdosing on estrogen? Anyway... she busts into Lotor's room.  
  
"Hello young sire! How are "we" feeling today?" She cackled.  
  
Lotor, in question, was covered in bandages, several apendages were being held on pullies. All that was seen was strands of white hair sticking between the gauzes, and a single cat eye appearing within an oppening in the gauze rolls.  
  
"Mrhhgh mgh Grmphgh!"  
  
"Now now, my liege. Is that anyway to treat your rescuer? It was fortunate that we were able to teleport you from your ship! I haven't seen a woman scorned like that since Naga and Kodachi argued who had the most annoying laugh! I still think mine over-exceeds their own!" She cackled, demonstrating her point.  
  
Lotor whimpered, wishing someone would just pull the damn plug!  
  
"Anyway, Sire, You're father wishes to see you."  
  
"MphghGHEHG!"  
  
"I know you're hospitalized! Children today! Whine-whine-whine!"  
  
At the mention of "wine", Lotor pouted, becoming quite thirsty.  
  
"Oh no, sire. Alcohol and Tylenol does fireworks on your liver! Anyway.. Slaves! Bring in the Monitor!"  
  
Several scantly-clad blond slaves entered the room, and connected the monitor screen to the various equipment. Soon Zarkon's face was showing in the pulse-rate indicator.  
  
"Even Sober you can't defeat the Voltron Force!"  
  
"Mpg-hrhg!"  
  
"Stock-Footage? That's still no excuse boy!"  
  
"Rhgh-fpth bghrht!"  
  
"I grow tired of this Lotor! Lotor! I'm giving you a choice... Either be thrown to the Pit of skulls, or allow my slaves to build a body, that is indistructable, giving you speed and strenght beyond what your feeble mind can comprehend. What do you say, Lotor?"  
  
Lotor glares at the screen with his good eye.   
  
"I think the sire wishes the latter sir."  
  
Zarkon smirked, then leaned back against his throne.   
  
"Hehe. I thought so. Lotor, my boy! Alow me to introduce the one who will be constructing your new form... Kyusaku Natsume!"  
  
Again.. Lotor Gulped.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yeah yeah.. I know.. abrupt ending... I appologize! So.. Tell me what you think. And don't worry about the flames. That was the sole purpose of the fic.   
  
For those who don't know, Kyusaku Natsume is "Papa-san," aka the guy who built Nuku-Nuku. Who knows.. perhaps I'll continue on the series of "All Purpose Doom-Boy Lotor-Lotor." Nah.. the title doesn't go well. Then again.. that hasn't stopped me before. :)  
  
Ja Ne! (Stop this crazy thing!)  
LizMUN 


End file.
